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Post by Digi on Oct 15, 2018 12:15:58 GMT
Oh my goodness, I've only just seen this thread now.
I don't know what to say.
Jason, thank you for lending us a little of your time. I don't know how we could possibly deserve it, but I truly appreciate that you've done so. Thank you, and be well on your next journey.
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Post by Timelord007 on Oct 25, 2018 7:03:10 GMT
Thank you everyone for your words. I've read and re-read many of your posts several times. I didn't reply earlier as it seemed odd, to be participating, let alone reading, ones own book of condolences. It was also quite hard at first for me not to get emotional, but as some time has passed, and the idea of dying has become normal, part of day to day life I'm able to talk about it and be OK, settled even, it's happening, it's coming and soon. It's difficult to know what to say, partly because I don't think I have anything profound to say, I'm just some bloke wrestling with his inner thoughts as the spectre of death approaches. A couple of nurses have told me I'm depressed, but that's because they see me saying things like "there's no point" and conclude only a depressed person would say that, but the fact of the matter is, some of the services being offered to me, would have been a huge amount more helpful and useful before now, but now... I've suffered with depression for years, and unless your willing and able to pay substantial amounts of money yourself, there is little to no help available, except and unless your suicidal, mental health services in the UK are basically anti-suicide services - except that is, it appears when your dying, suddenly they want to help you be at peace, to help you come to terms and cope. The perversity of that make me angry. The value to me from help with depression would have been huge several years ago, but now? What is the point? It certainly adds no value to society at large. And really, that isn't depression talking, I know depression, it's as familiar as my comfy chair, it's as welcome as a frying pan to the head, but I have years of familiarly, and it's just not here now, it's actually a relief, it's difficult to explain, but I feel OK in way that I have not felt in years, perhaps its a shame it took dying to get OK. So oddly, I'm OK with dying, I'm not happy about it, I would choose different if I could, but not having a choice is actually a relief, and whilst death isn't welcome, I shall make it welcome. As a bipolar/manic depressive myself i resonate with everything you've just said the crippling intrusive thoughts & dark pit of despair that depression causes is paralyzing & draining, your right about the mental health services they need to be far more accessible. You are one of the bravest people I've met, how your tackling this is inspirational & emotional, I'd be ranting angrily but you seem to have accepted & made peace with your condition, i wish i could make you feel better but believe me your words will hopefully help others in a similar situation.
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Post by Rob Morris on Oct 27, 2018 13:56:26 GMT
I've only just seen this and... I just don't have the words.
Really sorry to hear about your prognosis, and can only echo what others have said in terms of thanking you for your contribution to this forum, and admiring your courage in facing what approaches.
You have been instrumental in forming and directing a community and I hope that at least is some small comfort to you.
Frankly I would be screaming and angry and trying to tear down the walls right now. That you're not just makes you even more courageous and inspiring.
You will be remembered. And missed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 7:17:33 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while
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Post by jasonward on Nov 16, 2018 7:39:39 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Nov 16, 2018 7:45:36 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
:-(
Fingers crossed you feel as comfy as possible .. for as long as possible
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Post by Digi on Nov 16, 2018 12:57:25 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
I don't want to even see another human being when I have something as simple as a cold, so I kind of get the unsocial feeling. Be well, Jason. I hope you're as comfortable and in as little discomfort/pain as possible.
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Post by muckypup on Nov 16, 2018 17:45:33 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
i wanted to like your post so you know we are thing of you, but it felt somehow..... so just sending you positive vibes and stay as strong as you can...…..
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 18:30:22 GMT
Hope you are doing okay Buddy you haven’t posted in a while I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
you are in my prayers mate
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 18:48:05 GMT
I'm OK at the moment, I stopped posting for a while because... well best I can describe, I wasn't feeling very social, but that has mostly passed now.
My health is definitely declining a little each day, and yesterday I really felt things, sleeping for 15 hours, I don't know for sure, I could be misunderstanding how I feel, but it definitely feels like the end is now a lot closer than it was only a week ago.
you are in my prayers mate Mine too.
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Post by kfbate on Nov 16, 2018 19:53:05 GMT
Jason I have been working outside of the UK for the last three four months. I have not for various reasons checked in a lot if at all, long days and all that rather pathetic crap that we fill our lives with. I have the greatest admiration for your strength, resolve and ability to deal with what is ultimately the journey we all face, but most are not aware. I have always held you in the greatest respect, you where here from the start, you have made a stalwart and determined contribution to this forum and others. I love your passion, your regard and your commitment, even now. Quite frankly I would have shut up shop and left. But you took the bravest of steps and shown positivity, and compassion to a lot of people. For whatever your belief after this life, you have made a significance in mine as one of those people I have got to know purely through what you had written and it has made me think, question my own thinking and and that is for me the single most incredible thing someone can do for someone else. But if there is anything I can possible convey to you, more than anything else, is simply Thank You...
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Post by jasonward on Nov 27, 2018 1:51:36 GMT
Who knew how frustrating waiting to die can be?
Well, waiting, hmmm, that's not really what I'm doing, what I mean is there is great big looming deadline, but it's ill defined, could it be tonight? Next week? Next month? Longer? I keep the fear at bay, it puts in the odd appearance, and the closer I feel/think death is, the harder the fear pushes.
And then there's things like Christmas, I wasn't convinced I would get this far, I'm not convinced I will see Christmas, and I just can't get excited by it, I'm just not interested, not in the Grinch way, it's not a case of "bah humbug", it's a case of "so what?". I'm far more interested in the now, the moment, aware that each one could be my last, but here we are back at frustration, I want to do things I want to do now, now is the only time, but everyone else have lives and want to get organised, do it in the future, later, tomorrow - and I'm like "there might not be a tomorrow". From where I stand, Christmas in a month, really could be a lifetime away, and yet I need to buy gifts and get them sorted and posted in enough time to get to people, I got to all this "stuff" that I have no interest in and frankly there are other things I am interested in, and now is the time.
My decease continues to develop, people tell me I look well, they seem surprised to see me and find me not curled up in a heap dying, but what they don't see is the constant muscle ache that keeps me awake at night, they don't see my whole body muscle cramps that greet me in the mornings, they don't live with the fear that at any moment that cramp could take my heart, or the constant metallic taste in mouth and I won't even tell you of what it does to me on my visits to the toilet.
Dam, this process is so frustrating.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 7:21:18 GMT
Who knew how frustrating waiting to die can be? Well, waiting, hmmm, that's not really what I'm doing, what I mean is there is great big looming deadline, but it's ill defined, could it be tonight? Next week? Next month? Longer? I keep the fear at bay, it puts in the odd appearance, and the closer I feel/think death is, the harder the fear pushes. And then there's things like Christmas, I wasn't convinced I would get this far, I'm not convinced I will see Christmas, and I just can't get excited by it, I'm just not interested, not in the Grinch way, it's not a case of "bah humbug", it's a case of "so what?". I'm far more interested in the now, the moment, aware that each one could be my last, but here we are back at frustration, I want to do things I want to do now, now is the only time, but everyone else have lives and want to get organised, do it in the future, later, tomorrow - and I'm like "there might not be a tomorrow". From where I stand, Christmas in a month, really could be a lifetime away, and yet I need to buy gifts and get them sorted and posted in enough time to get to people, I got to all this "stuff" that I have no interest in and frankly there are other things I am interested in, and now is the time. My decease continues to develop, people tell me I look well, they seem surprised to see me and find me not curled up in a heap dying, but what they don't see is the constant muscle ache that keeps me awake at night, they don't see my whole body muscle cramps that greet me in the mornings, they don't live with the fear that at any moment that cramp could take my heart, or the constant metallic taste in mouth and I won't even tell you of what it does to me on my visits to the toilet. Dam, this process is so frustrating. It really breaks my heart that you are suffering so.I see it on a daily basis in my work and it never gets easier to watch and to go through.In the midst of human suffering all i can do when the medication ends is offer prayers for the suffering both mental and physical to ease.Continue as if you will live forever get the gifts write the cards.Virtual hug is sent your way. God Bless
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Post by whiskeybrewer on Nov 27, 2018 12:35:27 GMT
Damn Onion Ninjas
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Post by tuigirl on Nov 27, 2018 13:20:16 GMT
I also find reading this heartbraking. I can really feel your frustration, especially with all the petty and trivial worries and interests everybody occupies their minds with, while you are aware of what is really important, especially for you right now. This makes me sad. I think people are only ever able to grasp the REAL important things in life when they are confronted with situations like yours (maybe this is a natural protection strategy by our brains?)- how much better would the world be if it was different? I really admire you for being such a strong person, I think I might have given up long ago. I am sending you warm virtual hugs from Vienna.
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Post by jasonward on Dec 1, 2018 3:34:01 GMT
Waiting... still waiting... but waiting is a poor word for this. It makes it sound like I'm sat here doing nothing, waiting to die, inactive. But that's not the kind of waiting I mean. This is a kind of waiting that is hard to define, but I guess it must come up in other circumstances too, anyone that knows there is a major life changing event happening in the not too distant future, but has no clear grasp on when it will be.
Before I was told I was dying, I had plans, nothing major, nothing really aspirational, but you know even simple things like saving to make sure I had rainy day money, and thinking about whether it was time to invest in a new cooker, just little day to day things, what do I need to do today to make sure that tomorrow works?
And now, life looks very different, money has been set aside for the funeral, my rent is paid, I have no debts, so what's left is mine, mine now, it's not needed for the future, so whilst my financial position hasn't changed at all, I suddenly feel more wealthy, why? Because the future does not call to me, I'm not looking 1, 2 or 5, or 10 years down the road and thinking what I do with my money matters, because that kind of future doesn't exist for me.
But the source of this feeling, the source of this "found" wealth, is finding that I don't need a new cooker, the current one works in a fashion and I see no reason why it wont continue that way till I die. What about my hobbies? I cut back spending on those too, suddenly collections are unimportant, the completist in me gave up.
So I find myself with more cash now, and with a lot less reasons to spend it.
That's the story of my life right now.
More opportunity to do things, because there is less to do and the future does not call to me, has no hold on me.
It's a strange kind of waiting.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2018 6:43:37 GMT
More opportunity to do things, because there is less to do and the future does not call to me, has no hold on me. It's a strange kind of waiting. Each time I visit the forum, you spring to mind. Thank you for continuing to share your experience. I hope you can find solace in what opportunities there are. You remain in my thoughts, now and into the future.
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Post by Timelord007 on Dec 1, 2018 8:31:54 GMT
Jason your one of the bravest most inspirational people I've met, how your handling this shows true courage & strength & you inspire me to keep battling through my bipolar & those bad days of manic depression which can get me down sometimes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2018 13:19:51 GMT
Whenever I try to contribute to this thread, my efforts end up sounding either puerile, misplaced or ill-advised. Sometimes all three! So I simply wish you the very best for the time you have.
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Post by jasonward on Dec 1, 2018 14:58:43 GMT
Whenever I try to contribute to this thread, my efforts end up sounding either puerile, misplaced or ill-advised. Sometimes all three! So I simply wish you the very best for the time you have. Ah, Don't worry about it, I know I find it hard to reply to people sending me well wishes. I mean, thank you all, but I feel as though I should say something more, respond better, so I end up posting little.
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