Hi, Michael, it sounds as though it is getting overwhelming. I think, as Ela has wisely said, that it's time to see someone you can talk to. Someone who can look at what you're suffering through from the outside and help you ease out of the moor. Now, there's a lot of stigma surrounding mental health and how you're supposed to soldier on regardless of how bad it gets. Personally, I think the stigma is piffle and it takes a hell of a lot of effort to push forward. You get tired. You get lost. Your mind is fighting itself constantly for some semblance of stability and it's hard to tell which way is up. Desperation does very peculiar things to the mind.
But here's the important thing... That whole morass, that quagmire of despondency? You can pull yourself out of it. Better things can happen, all it takes a just little time. Day-by-day while you can, just sitting down and understanding that your life and presence are meaningful. Not because of some arbitrary external force, but because you yourself believe it to be. For the time being, someone needs to be there to break the loop. To separate you from the dark and help you become yourself again. Who you would like to be. Not clouded by everything else, but on your own terms.
It can get better, but this first step is needed. Simply turning up and talking about it would be a remarkable achievement.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I know that it has been hard to be here for you lately, but you are always more then welcome here. Just remember to do what you need and there is always a light at the end of the road.