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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 20, 2021 17:44:00 GMT
The Doctor was examining a great chest in a corner of the console room when one of the two Sea Devils returned, dragging a blackboard with it.
"Took you long enough," muttered the Doctor. "Where's Splosh?"
"Graal," replied the Sea Devil with admirable restraint, "is taking a bath. It is uncomfortable to be so long out of the sea."
"Where?" asked the Doctor, worried.
"We found a suitable location," the Sea Devil replied.
"There's no salt water feed to any of the TARDIS's bathtubs," the Doctor pointed out, worried. He looked down at the Sea Devil's feet, and noticed water pooling around them, with a starfish flopping about in the puddle. "Splish, have you two been swimming in my aquarium?"
"I said, don't call me 'Splish'," the Sea Devil snarled.
"What, while the two of you have been splishing and splashing your way along the TARDIS's corridors?"
"My name is Amorkon!" the other shouted. "And I am an Earth Reptile, human, of the Sea Devil caste, and I need to keep myself moist! But that doesn't give you the right to give me silly nicknames!"
"Oh, sure," the Doctor replied sarcastically, "but you're happy enough to insult *me* by calling me a.... a human."
"That's what you are," Amorkon replied, pointedly, "are you not?"
"Only temporarily," the Doctor corrected, holding a pocket watch aloft. "I knew I had this somewhere."
Amorkon watched as a golden haze emerged from the watch. "What is it?"
"This," the Doctor replied, "is an old friend. HOW ARE YOU IN THERE?" he shouted at the watch.
Amorkon heard some muttering. "Either let me out or let me sleep," it was saying, "I was better off in the Eye."
"I NEED TO BORROW SOME SYMBIOTIC NUCLEI!" the Doctor shouted again.
"....don't you even dare..."
"TOO LATE!" The golden haze spread out of the watch into the Doctor. "I was going to use him to build a robot, but then I thought, that's stupid!"
"I don't understand," said the bewildered Sea Devil.
"Oh, I had 'essence of Time Lord' trapped in this device," the Doctor explained. "Now I've pinched all his Time Lordy goodness to restore myself to normal, leaving him stuck with nothing more than his personality and a human's identity; he can be Master of all he surveys, whcih isn't much in a thing this size, but being a human'll drive him up the wall."
"You have a man... trapped in there?" Amorkon was appalled.
"Well, he's not a very nice man," the Doctor said. "And he'll get out, sooner or later, nasty little snake that he is. But for the moment - " he snapped the pocket watch shut and threw it into the chest.
"....ow....."
"Will his personality not take you over?" Amorkon asked, concerned.
"You've been reading too much science fiction, pal," the Doctor jeered. "He can try hypotising all he likes, but he's stuck in a watch in a chest in a room that's in a state of grace, and *I* can repel or - if necessary - expel any psyhic attack.
"Now," the Doctor continued, "pick up the chalk and start writing. One, Clara Oswald. Seized by Beep the Meep. Two, Winnie Clarence, kidnapped by Zarg the Mighty. Three...."
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Post by timegirl on Jul 22, 2021 11:42:46 GMT
Just then the Doctor got a phone call...
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Post by grinch on Jul 22, 2021 13:13:37 GMT
He answered it. All he could hear was a soft whispering at the end. He sighed and turned the phone off.
“Alright, which one of you disturbed WOTAN?” he asked the two Sea Devils, practically interrogating.
Amorkon and Graal said nothing. The latter coughed nervously.
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Post by timegirl on Jul 22, 2021 13:17:14 GMT
The Doctor was feeling strange inside his head, he could hear the Master’s voice whispering to him....
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Post by grinch on Jul 22, 2021 16:37:03 GMT
He hit himself in the side of his head, silencing his former friends voice.
He made a mental note that he had to deal with him later only to notice the fact his nose was bleeding.
Great, he thought. Still a sore loser as ever.
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Post by timegirl on Jul 22, 2021 16:48:31 GMT
Meanwhile, the Doctor and Clara’s daughter, Eve was on the phone with her brother.....
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 22, 2021 17:04:19 GMT
The Doctor walked moodily over to the chest, and kicked it. "Keep quiet," he said, before returning to the TARDIS. It was about to arrive at its first destination.
In the chest, in the watch, in the confession dial, the Master examined the diamond wall that stood between his newly-human self and freedom. "Grask!" he cried. "Grask!"
The Grask rolled into the room.
"How long will it take me to break this down?" the Master demanded.
"Two point four billion years," the Grask advised.
The Master grinned, and removed his sunglasses. "Well, let's get started."
He smashed his head against the wall. And again. And again. And again.
He paused, and turned to the Grask. "What about supper?"
"Splinx is preparing your meal at present," the Grask assured him.
The Master rolled his eyes. "I still don't think that electronic cat knows how to cook," he complained.
***
Also concerned only wiht his stomach was the Doctor and Clara's mortal son, who had skived off from staying put in the summerhouse of his parents' garden to go buy some chips. Eve was berating him over the phone. As he got to the front of the queue, he apologised.
"Sorry, cod and chips twice, please. Salt and vinegar on one. Oh, and a saveloy." He paused. "You don't do octopus, do you?"
"No, mate," the chipshop man replied sarcastically, "we don't do bleedin' octopus, or a pint of ruddy prawns, or a lobster sodding thermidor."
"Sorry," Eve's brother replied, "that was my sister on the phone, saying something about my mother wanting ocotpus. I didn't think it made much sense."
Back in the summerhouse, Eve looked tearfully at the phone. She hadn't asked for octopus for her mother. She'd said that an octopus had been *asking* for her mother. She was terrified.
The octopus was pretty upset, too. He wasn't going to be able to collect the bounty he'd been offered for the Claraform that was registered at this address.
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Post by grinch on Jul 22, 2021 20:53:15 GMT
The Octopus knocked on the door once again. His energy blaster clutched firmly with several of his tentacles.
He’d be damned if he was going home empty handed.
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Post by grinch on Jul 23, 2021 12:53:51 GMT
The door suddenly was blasted apart as the Octopus slithered in. Tentacles flailing in every direction as he fired his blaster off wildly.
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 23, 2021 18:14:21 GMT
A small collection of metal junk rolled in front of the octopus, which peered down. The items resolved themselves into a small robot on castors, whos emost prominent features were a pair of two floppy ears.
"Out of my way, little robot," the octopus said.
"This unit designated 'Rab-8'," said the robot. "Defensive capabilities - ON."
Rab-8 fired extruded a small pipe from its mouth, and fired a lazer at the octopus.
When Eve's brother returned from the chippie a few minutes later, he found his father's bizarre executive toy sitting in the middle of a pile of fresh calamari. There were splats of fried squid up all the walls of the hall.
It was not a pleasant homecoming.
****
Meanwhile, the TARDIS had landed. The Doctor and the two Sea Devils had selected their first target from the list; Lara C Osbert, a ladies washroom attendent in the Sirius State Parliament Building. Rescuing her would be, the Doctor insisted, the key to saving all the Clara Oswald splinters from their collective and several dooms.
"Now, remember," the Doctor lectured Amorkon and Graal, "any false move could distable the galactic accords. You are ambassadors from the Plong Nebula, and you don't speak Sirian. Leave all the talking to me."
Graal raised a claw.
"Yes, yes, when you go to the loo and meet Lara, then you can talk to her," the Doctor replied testily.
Graal and Amorkan turned to each other and examined their ambassadorial robes.
"These would never suit under the sea," Amorkan commented.
The Doctor - clad in his usual, non-ceremonial jacket - rolled his eyes, and opened the TARDIS doors. He marched out, and the 'ambassadors' followed.
They were in a huge, marble-floored and be-column'd hall. Strange creatures from across the cosmos strode about importantly. The three travellers looked from left to right. Where would be a convenient place for a convenience?
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 24, 2021 15:10:55 GMT
Gabby was getting irritated. The Doctor wasn't answering his phone, now - when was he going to pick her up? It was dangerous here, and she was beginning to run out of credit. Also, she didn't have a hollow leg; there were only so many Voxnik cocktails she could drink at a sitting.
An Arcturus rolled into the bar. It looked left and right, and wheeled up to Gabby. "This is my bar," it explained, "I am the owner. Where is my barmaid?"
Gabby explained that the barmaid had gone with her identical twin and the Meep to a private suite to host a conference.
"But then there is nobody serving drinks here," the Arcturus replied petuantly. "You must take a job here."
"Doll out drinks in the universe's most dangerous drinking establishment?" exclaimed Gabby. "I'd rather sit in the toilets and pass out handgel."
"Acceptable."
***
Had Lara Osbert overheard this conversation, billions of miles and many years away, she might have dwelt on her own choices in life that had led her to this pass. Sitting in the ladies' restroom of the Sirian Parliament, greeting all kinds of aliens who expected her to immediatey understand their ablutory and hygenic needs.
"Hand salve?" she asked a Groznel.
"Perfume?" she offered a tall Rublek.
"WD-40!" demanded a Cyberwoman.
It wasn't much of a life.
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Post by barnabaslives on Jul 25, 2021 1:58:23 GMT
"WD-40!" demanded a Cyberwoman. Lol! Well that's done it. For no good reason whatsoever I am imagining hordes of squeaky Cybermen led by the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Be still my feverish imagination!
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 25, 2021 8:30:07 GMT
Clara was no Amy Pond. Being in a room filled with alternative versions of herself wasn't awfully appealing. The fact that they'd all been brought there by gun-toting aliens for unknown sinister purposes made it even worse.
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Post by timegirl on Jul 25, 2021 18:04:58 GMT
12 knew he would need his electric guitar and sonic sunglasses for this!
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 26, 2021 15:52:48 GMT
The Doctor unzipped his guitar case and removed the instrument. Hiding behind a pillar, so that nobody could see him, he quickly broke the gutiar over his knee. Snap! Hurriedly, he put first the body and then hte neck of the instrument back into the soft case, and zipped it up. Then he picked it up once more, and hurried in the direction of the gents'.
"Park your bag fo ryou?" asked the Zargon attendent.
"No thanks," said the Doctor, looking around. He was wearing his glasses. The sonic and x-ray abilities allowd him to see through the walls and exmaine the pipes. Ah, yes. He chose a cubicle and hurried in.
The Doctor locked the door and raised the toilet seat. From his bag he removed the neck fo the guitar and swiftly shoved in into th bowl, wedging it in the u-bend. The body of the guiator followed, filling the bowl.
The Doctor removed his glasses, pressed a few settings, then dropped them into the bowl. For good measure, he tucked the bag round the brokwn guitar, then closed the lid and flushed. The water filled the bowl, but did not overflow. Good.
Then he left the cubicle, washed his hands, and hurried out before the attendent could ask about the bag he no longer carried.
Four, five, six...
As the Doctor reached the middle of the great hall, he heard a faint, faroff, highpitched whine, as though somebody had dropped a sonic bomb into a blocked toilet.
There were a few screams, and water began to flood out of the various restrooms, toilets, conveniences, and ablutory provisions for aliens of all kinds.
Good. It was all up to Splish and Splosh now.
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 26, 2021 17:39:17 GMT
"The hall is flooding," observed the Grell delegate. "Unwelcome fact!"
The Voord Prefect tried to clamber onto a column, and the Humanized Dalek Supreme fled to a staircase.
"Identify yourself!" an Acker, in a ceremonial guard's constume, demanded of the Doctor.
"I'm the Doctor," he replied.
"Show me your ID," the Acker continued. The Doctor passed across his psychic paper, which the guard examined. "Doctor... Strabismus?"
"Whom God preserve," interjected the Doctor softly.
"Of Utrecht," concluded the Acker. "What is your purpose here?"
"I'm here to lobby my MP," the Doctor said, "for assistance in a trade dispute. My company exporting luxury ties is being sued by twelve red-beareded dwarves. Perhaps you've seen our adverts, with our famous slogan?"
"What adverts?" asked the Acker. "What slogan?"
"'Get knotted'," the Doctor replied.
"I have seen no such adverts," the Acker replied, for he had no imagination and could not handle puns or sarcasm and knew little of nonsense.
"Well, I must hurry," the Doctor said, moving away. "I get terrible head-colds if my feet get wet."
The Acker watched him leave, water lapping about his ankles.
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Post by grinch on Jul 26, 2021 17:42:21 GMT
Graal and Amorkan looked around them as the water continued to rise. In comparison to the others around them (apart from one Rill who didn’t particularly look too fussed) they felt very much at home.
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Post by timegirl on Jul 26, 2021 17:45:02 GMT
The Doctor then got undressed until he was in his swim trunks and then he put on his snorkel and flippers.
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Post by fitzoliverj on Jul 26, 2021 18:06:55 GMT
Something floated past, and he suddenly remembered what kind of water he was standing in. He picked up his jacket and rummaged round in a pocket. Somewhere, he had a pack of dehydrated clothes. Ah-ha!
Spit was probably cleanest. He flobbed into the packet, which rapidly swelled in his arms.
Oh, dear. How long had he had this in his pockets? Sighing, he put on the trousers and shirt, socks, shoes (the socks squelched in the shoes) and heavy jacket and hat, and wrapped the huge scarf around himself.
Meanwhile, Graal and Amorkan headed to the ladies' to rescue Lara.
"Do you think the Doctor brought us with him," Graal asked Amorkan, "because we live near that sewage outflow?"
"Ssh, we're here," replied Amorkan, who pushed open the door. The tide of water was pressing against it, so both Sea Devils put their shoulders to it and forced it open.
"Help, help!" cried Lara, perched atop the sinks.
"Don't worry," Amorkan assured her, "we're here to help! The water's not so *very* dirty, after all."
"I think," said a sinister voice, "Miss Osbert is not so concerned about some dirty water."
Amorkan and Graal turned to see a large shape emerging from a cubicle. It was holding a very, very large gun.
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Post by grinch on Jul 26, 2021 18:32:42 GMT
Confronted by this armed adversary, the two Sea Devils’s’ instincts immediately kicked in and they reached for their weapons.
Only to realise that they had in fact left them in their other uniforms in the TARDIS.
Amorkan let out an ancient curse word in frustration.
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