Post by michaelhocking2 on Dec 28, 2017 10:12:38 GMT
So, today I've made a decision.
First off, new person, this community is great. Seriously, you can be happy here, shine and grow. That's cheesy, but it's true. There's none of the faux happiness you sometimes have to convince yourself into with internet forums ("I AM THE BIGGEST FAN AND LISTEN TO MY OPINION!")) This is strangely enough the sunnyside up part of the internet. Climb up and be free. I have anxiety and depression. High functioning autistic. I also chronic fatigue and weirdly enough a whole bunch of deeply traumatic memories that keep popping up. This relates specifically to me.
I was new to the internet when I came here. Family of four weirdly enough kept the internet busy when I was a kid and didn't have an internet connection when I went off to Uni. So, I fully understand that I probably didn't get internet manners and graces. And maybe if people met offline, they'd understand some of my mannerisms better. But, I came here, trying to build something from the darkest point in my life. And yeah, while that's no one's responsibility, no-one should feel indebted to pick me up from that. That's what this isn't this community is here for. And I get that. But a minority - a very small minority pretty much marked me out as a target. And I was vulnerable. But, I was vulnerable. I did say: "Hey, this really helps me with my disability. Please don't do that." And a lot of this was specific, targeted stuff. You guys don't see me when I'm struggling with my sensory issues, checking on this forum (and not always commenting), when I'm putting out the washing, or getting ready to go to work, or other stuff. But, I did say when words were too harsh that, hey, don't do that. It's affecting me. I really, really need this. I let a lot stuff go because a)I was dealing with stuff and b) I gave a lot of people the benefit of the doubt, hey, maybe there struggling too.
This stuff on for years and I'm not blaming the mods here, but because, moderation is a difficult job. It's not easy and it's your spare time. But, for some people here, the concept that I'm actually a person who is struggling is far too abstract. And both publicly and privatetly, I've tried talking about this with people. And I'm not blaming the mods here, because moderation is a difficult job and it's no-one's day job. I can't deny it didn't add to stuff I was going through, because it did. It really, really, did. More then I can say or you can ever know.
And I think I'm just at a point where I reliase I can't deal with the world or any one else's problems until I deal with my own. Because, I've been drowning. Just surriving and I don't. I want to be happy. I want to live. I don't just want to endure. And I'm not ignoring the validity of internet friendships or anything, like that. But this...this isn't for me. I don't want that in my life.
And maybe I just have to accept that some people are jerks or whatever. You don't see the struggle. You don't see the pain. And no-one here like is indebted or obligated beyond a certain level and I know that's the way of the internet, but my life has been touched by darkness in so ways and that just isn't good for me. I've know lonlieness from my trauma. And it's probably cut far deeper then it should have, but hey, it was there. I don't need someone who doesn't see me as a person to add to that. So, this is goodbye. I know this is a big disconnect for a lot of you, because I've been here for so long. That this is abrupt and you've become invested in my problems. But, this is where I'm at. It's this or being worse off then I am.
I have friends, family and support. I have new strategies in place of this forum. I'm going to be happy.
And for people who may have dark agendas: I am NOT on your side. I will never be on your side. And you won't win, because people are good. That's what I believe. I believe it. It's a truth that will cut you down one day. Trauma got to me. I wanted to hurt myself because a big part of me is wrapped up in pain and darkness and I am going to find my way out of it. . You won't win this 'culture war' or whatever you think your waging. In the next two years, you will be left with nothing.
First off, new person, this community is great. Seriously, you can be happy here, shine and grow. That's cheesy, but it's true. There's none of the faux happiness you sometimes have to convince yourself into with internet forums ("I AM THE BIGGEST FAN AND LISTEN TO MY OPINION!")) This is strangely enough the sunnyside up part of the internet. Climb up and be free. I have anxiety and depression. High functioning autistic. I also chronic fatigue and weirdly enough a whole bunch of deeply traumatic memories that keep popping up. This relates specifically to me.
I was new to the internet when I came here. Family of four weirdly enough kept the internet busy when I was a kid and didn't have an internet connection when I went off to Uni. So, I fully understand that I probably didn't get internet manners and graces. And maybe if people met offline, they'd understand some of my mannerisms better. But, I came here, trying to build something from the darkest point in my life. And yeah, while that's no one's responsibility, no-one should feel indebted to pick me up from that. That's what this isn't this community is here for. And I get that. But a minority - a very small minority pretty much marked me out as a target. And I was vulnerable. But, I was vulnerable. I did say: "Hey, this really helps me with my disability. Please don't do that." And a lot of this was specific, targeted stuff. You guys don't see me when I'm struggling with my sensory issues, checking on this forum (and not always commenting), when I'm putting out the washing, or getting ready to go to work, or other stuff. But, I did say when words were too harsh that, hey, don't do that. It's affecting me. I really, really need this. I let a lot stuff go because a)I was dealing with stuff and b) I gave a lot of people the benefit of the doubt, hey, maybe there struggling too.
This stuff on for years and I'm not blaming the mods here, but because, moderation is a difficult job. It's not easy and it's your spare time. But, for some people here, the concept that I'm actually a person who is struggling is far too abstract. And both publicly and privatetly, I've tried talking about this with people. And I'm not blaming the mods here, because moderation is a difficult job and it's no-one's day job. I can't deny it didn't add to stuff I was going through, because it did. It really, really, did. More then I can say or you can ever know.
And I think I'm just at a point where I reliase I can't deal with the world or any one else's problems until I deal with my own. Because, I've been drowning. Just surriving and I don't. I want to be happy. I want to live. I don't just want to endure. And I'm not ignoring the validity of internet friendships or anything, like that. But this...this isn't for me. I don't want that in my life.
And maybe I just have to accept that some people are jerks or whatever. You don't see the struggle. You don't see the pain. And no-one here like is indebted or obligated beyond a certain level and I know that's the way of the internet, but my life has been touched by darkness in so ways and that just isn't good for me. I've know lonlieness from my trauma. And it's probably cut far deeper then it should have, but hey, it was there. I don't need someone who doesn't see me as a person to add to that. So, this is goodbye. I know this is a big disconnect for a lot of you, because I've been here for so long. That this is abrupt and you've become invested in my problems. But, this is where I'm at. It's this or being worse off then I am.
I have friends, family and support. I have new strategies in place of this forum. I'm going to be happy.
And for people who may have dark agendas: I am NOT on your side. I will never be on your side. And you won't win, because people are good. That's what I believe. I believe it. It's a truth that will cut you down one day. Trauma got to me. I wanted to hurt myself because a big part of me is wrapped up in pain and darkness and I am going to find my way out of it. . You won't win this 'culture war' or whatever you think your waging. In the next two years, you will be left with nothing.