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Post by elkawho on Jul 17, 2024 0:52:23 GMT
Tickets for LA bought, Evan's is one way. They gave him a very good financial package, so it's a go. He needs to be there a few days earlier than classes begin for orientation, and I'll be back in time to get to Long Island on Friday. So it's a go for LI Who!
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melkur
Chancellery Guard
Likes: 4,021
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Post by melkur on Jul 17, 2024 1:31:13 GMT
"Due to suspicious activity, we need to secure your account and check your credentials..." Thanks Outlook, thanks... =_= "You've reached the limit for account recovery requests, please try again in 24 hours" Yeah, because you're not sending me the (smegging) code by text, even though I'm giving you the last 4 numbers of my mobile number correctly, and so I have to do it by another email account?!?! Edit: It's now logged me out of my phone, so I now can't check me emails at all... For (smeg)'s sake -! We got back home on Saturday... After I'd restarted my phone on the train home from the airport, it took me all of two minutes to get signed back into my emails after turning my Mac on... For absolute fu -!
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Jul 17, 2024 2:56:40 GMT
Tickets for LA bought, Evan's is one way. They gave him a very good financial package, so it's a go. He needs to be there a few days earlier than classes begin for orientation, and I'll be back in time to get to Long Island on Friday. So it's a go for LI Who! OMG YES !!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME NEWS
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Kestrel
Chancellery Guard
Likes: 2,715
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Post by Kestrel on Jul 17, 2024 12:17:11 GMT
What made my day.
Or not.
I'm not sure which one this is. I'm not sure I'll ever know. Good thing there's a profanity filter here, because otherwise I'd be sorely tempted to drop the longest possible F-bomb on y'all.
I know this isn't really the appropriate venue to talk about something like this, but I'll try and speak carefully here. Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere else to go. Maybe Twitter? But I abandoned that lovely little platform last year, and haven't looked back. Maybe Reddit? Maybe, but I'm not feeling confident enough to pick a sub at random and just dive in, hoping for the best. Perhaps you'll understand when after reading what I have to say here, if you bother to keep reading (and I certainly won't blame anyone who doesn't). Perhaps not. I don't understand it myself.
I've thought a lot of things were certain, in my life. For most of my childhood, I assumed I'd be dead before my 18th birthday -- I wasn't, of course, though not for lack of trying. As an adult, I assumed either I'd die, or my parents would die, before we had a certain conversation.
There's something I've always suspected my parents of, but never actually wanted to know -- a question that could only have one of two possible answers, neither of which would have been particularly pleasant to know. I reconciled myself to never knowing; to never trying to know.
But, today, only a few moments ago, for the very first time: my mother used the A-word. And we had it: the conversation.
And she knew.
All this time, she knew.
And did nothing.
Perhaps some of you may read this and recall other things I've said about myself here. You may find it curious that, evidently, I've been more open about myself here, with you all, than to my own parents. Than with anyone else in my life.
I don't mean to unload on y'all, and hope I haven't been doing that, but this is a small, generally kind community and I appreciate that y'all have made me feel welcome. I appreciate that far more than I can express.
So we had a talk, my mother and I. And we said some things. Not everything, God no, but far more than I thought would ever be voiced. The safe things. Safer. Safe at the level of that dreaded A-world, and only that. Again, I find myself lamenting that profanity filter: ASD's a real *****.
(Well, to be completely honest, I actually kind of enjoy the self-censoring. Gotta take what small pleasures we can, where we can find, yeah?)
The S-word also came up. Didn't think that would ever happen unless there were witnesses to a failed attempt, or a successful one. So another surprise. Didn't bother going into details, though: what would be the point?
I had to carefully assure her that I don't harbor any animosity. About any of it. And I don't. Or if I do, it's tempered by and balanced out by love. But now I have one of those two answers, and I must now confront the resultant question: is it better to notice a child -- your child -- who is suffering, and do nothing, hoping things sort themselves out on their own... or to never notice in the first place?
This is the question that terrifies me beyond measure. The single, core reason I will never have children of my own. Having lived my life, I could not live with myself doing either.
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Post by relativetime on Jul 17, 2024 13:58:45 GMT
What made my day. Or not. I'm not sure which one this is. I'm not sure I'll ever know. Good thing there's a profanity filter here, because otherwise I'd be sorely tempted to drop the longest possible F-bomb on y'all. I know this isn't really the appropriate venue to talk about something like this, but I'll try and speak carefully here. Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere else to go. Maybe Twitter? But I abandoned that lovely little platform last year, and haven't looked back. Maybe Reddit? Maybe, but I'm not feeling confident enough to pick a sub at random and just dive in, hoping for the best. Perhaps you'll understand when after reading what I have to say here, if you bother to keep reading (and I certainly won't blame anyone who doesn't). Perhaps not. I don't understand it myself. I've thought a lot of things were certain, in my life. For most of my childhood, I assumed I'd be dead before my 18th birthday -- I wasn't, of course, though not for lack of trying. As an adult, I assumed either I'd die, or my parents would die, before we had a certain conversation. There's something I've always suspected my parents of, but never actually wanted to know -- a question that could only have one of two possible answers, neither of which would have been particularly pleasant to know. I reconciled myself to never knowing; to never trying to know. But, today, only a few moments ago, for the very first time: my mother used the A-word. And we had it: the conversation.
And she knew.All this time, she knew.And did nothing.Perhaps some of you may read this and recall other things I've said about myself here. You may find it curious that, evidently, I've been more open about myself here, with you all, than to my own parents. Than with anyone else in my life.I don't mean to unload on y'all, and hope I haven't been doing that, but this is a small, generally kind community and I appreciate that y'all have made me feel welcome. I appreciate that far more than I can express. So we had a talk, my mother and I. And we said some things. Not everything, God no, but far more than I thought would ever be voiced. The safe things. Saf er. Safe at the level of that dreaded A-world, and only that. Again, I find myself lamenting that profanity filter: ASD's a real *****. (Well, to be completely honest, I actually kind of enjoy the self-censoring. Gotta take what small pleasures we can, where we can find, yeah?) The S-word also came up. Didn't think that would ever happen unless there were witnesses to a failed attempt, or a successful one. So another surprise. Didn't bother going into details, though: what would be the point? I had to carefully assure her that I don't harbor any animosity. About any of it. And I don't. Or if I do, it's tempered by and balanced out by love. But now I have one of those two answers, and I must now confront the resultant question: is it better to notice a child -- your child -- who is suffering, and do nothing, hoping things sort themselves out on their own... or to never notice in the first place? This is the question that terrifies me beyond measure. The single, core reason I will never have children of my own. Having lived my life, I could not live with myself doing either. Thank you so much for sharing. I know that conversation was extremely difficult to have with your parent, but I'm glad you had it anyways. I do think it's better to know than to live the rest of your life wondering about what might have been. I hope it's been a weight off your shoulders in that sense at the very least. I do sympathize a lot with your situation. My parents always knew I "wasn't like the other children" my entire life too and I'm not just talking about being trans. When I found out I might have ADHD, my parents were quick to say they'd always seen the signs. My mom said a slightly similar thing about my transness as well - "well you have always seemed uncomfortable with your body." Yeah, that stings a little hearing that. You go your entire life drowning and dealing with depression and dealing with thoughts about the big S-word and the entire time the two people who are supposed to take care of you didn't do anything about their suspicions? I do have to harbor my own patience with my parents though because they are also very far from perfect. They both grew up in times when words like "trans" or "ADHD" didn't really exist in the public eye the way they do today and if they did they were considered dirty slurs or a death sentence for a child's future education and career. So maybe they thought they were doing me a kindness by looking away and hoping it was all nothing. Maybe they just didn't think it was their place to ask. I have to wonder if I grew up the same way they had, would I do the same? Would I even have found out who I was in the first place? ADHD is also hereditary and sometimes I look at the way my parents do things and I have to wonder "are you...?" Maybe by me not speaking out to them, I'm doing the same thing they did to me. I'm not trying to say your parents were right or to say you should feel sorry for them or anything really. I guess I'm just trying to say your feelings here are totally and completely valid, you aren't alone, and I'm glad you felt safe enough here to share.
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Post by tuigirl on Jul 17, 2024 16:35:47 GMT
What made my day. Or not. I'm not sure which one this is. I'm not sure I'll ever know. Good thing there's a profanity filter here, because otherwise I'd be sorely tempted to drop the longest possible F-bomb on y'all. I know this isn't really the appropriate venue to talk about something like this, but I'll try and speak carefully here. Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere else to go. Maybe Twitter? But I abandoned that lovely little platform last year, and haven't looked back. Maybe Reddit? Maybe, but I'm not feeling confident enough to pick a sub at random and just dive in, hoping for the best. Perhaps you'll understand when after reading what I have to say here, if you bother to keep reading (and I certainly won't blame anyone who doesn't). Perhaps not. I don't understand it myself. I've thought a lot of things were certain, in my life. For most of my childhood, I assumed I'd be dead before my 18th birthday -- I wasn't, of course, though not for lack of trying. As an adult, I assumed either I'd die, or my parents would die, before we had a certain conversation. There's something I've always suspected my parents of, but never actually wanted to know -- a question that could only have one of two possible answers, neither of which would have been particularly pleasant to know. I reconciled myself to never knowing; to never trying to know. But, today, only a few moments ago, for the very first time: my mother used the A-word. And we had it: the conversation.
And she knew.All this time, she knew.And did nothing.Perhaps some of you may read this and recall other things I've said about myself here. You may find it curious that, evidently, I've been more open about myself here, with you all, than to my own parents. Than with anyone else in my life.I don't mean to unload on y'all, and hope I haven't been doing that, but this is a small, generally kind community and I appreciate that y'all have made me feel welcome. I appreciate that far more than I can express. So we had a talk, my mother and I. And we said some things. Not everything, God no, but far more than I thought would ever be voiced. The safe things. Saf er. Safe at the level of that dreaded A-world, and only that. Again, I find myself lamenting that profanity filter: ASD's a real *****. (Well, to be completely honest, I actually kind of enjoy the self-censoring. Gotta take what small pleasures we can, where we can find, yeah?) The S-word also came up. Didn't think that would ever happen unless there were witnesses to a failed attempt, or a successful one. So another surprise. Didn't bother going into details, though: what would be the point? I had to carefully assure her that I don't harbor any animosity. About any of it. And I don't. Or if I do, it's tempered by and balanced out by love. But now I have one of those two answers, and I must now confront the resultant question: is it better to notice a child -- your child -- who is suffering, and do nothing, hoping things sort themselves out on their own... or to never notice in the first place? This is the question that terrifies me beyond measure. The single, core reason I will never have children of my own. Having lived my life, I could not live with myself doing either. OMG, I feel so much for you. Seriously, I am in a similar situation. I read a lot, I never fit in with "normal" and most people I know better (aka. "friends") are also neurodivergent, so it is VERY evident that I am a textbook case of adult ADHD. I diagnosed myself, but I have so many issues and problems at work, I was desperately looking for a specialist, and I finally have an appointment with a specialist this November. Yeah, there is a lot of waiting. I hope I can get a diagnosis and finally treatment.
My parents... SIGH. The despair is real.
I suffered since I can remember. Long years of heartbreak and depression and still I am the oddball everybody avoids (or so it feels).
I wish my parents at least did "nothing". They did a lot- they repeated at nauseam how different and weird and abnormal I was, and that I would ever be alone and abandoned.
I needed to change and just be normal! (I tried, I tried so hard, but all I got was a nervous breakdown)
They still think I am a huge failure since I have never mated (I am also asexual) and have no partner and no kids and am just not something to present to the neigbours.
My relationship with them is.... complicated. But as you describe, I also do not feel hatred. Or animosity. I feel frustration and resignation, mainly.
Yes, there is the consolation that back in my day, when I was a kid, nobody ever heard of things like ADHD (so I never was diagnosed, apart from the one "specialist" who told my parents that I was mentally retarded, I have a Masters degree now and a PhD, thank you very much). Plus- depression is something that happens to weak antisocial people and anybody on the LGBTQA spectrum does not exist. The joys of coming from a rural village that has become stuck in the time vortex.
And I am also totally sure that even if I had had the chance and a partner, I would have made the world's worst parent (mood swings, bad attention, easily overwhelmed, and aggressive when suffering), so not having kids is a blessing and probably the right thing. Too old now, anyways.
So yes. I feel with you. I understand you. And I want to cry with you and hug you. Sending you lots of virtual hugs from Germany.
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Post by elkawho on Jul 17, 2024 20:36:08 GMT
Tickets for LA bought, Evan's is one way. They gave him a very good financial package, so it's a go. He needs to be there a few days earlier than classes begin for orientation, and I'll be back in time to get to Long Island on Friday. So it's a go for LI Who! OMG YES !!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME NEWS Thanks! It sure is.
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Post by bethhigdon on Jul 17, 2024 21:03:17 GMT
What made my day. Or not. I'm not sure which one this is. I'm not sure I'll ever know. Good thing there's a profanity filter here, because otherwise I'd be sorely tempted to drop the longest possible F-bomb on y'all. I know this isn't really the appropriate venue to talk about something like this, but I'll try and speak carefully here. Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere else to go. Maybe Twitter? But I abandoned that lovely little platform last year, and haven't looked back. Maybe Reddit? Maybe, but I'm not feeling confident enough to pick a sub at random and just dive in, hoping for the best. Perhaps you'll understand when after reading what I have to say here, if you bother to keep reading (and I certainly won't blame anyone who doesn't). Perhaps not. I don't understand it myself. I've thought a lot of things were certain, in my life. For most of my childhood, I assumed I'd be dead before my 18th birthday -- I wasn't, of course, though not for lack of trying. As an adult, I assumed either I'd die, or my parents would die, before we had a certain conversation. There's something I've always suspected my parents of, but never actually wanted to know -- a question that could only have one of two possible answers, neither of which would have been particularly pleasant to know. I reconciled myself to never knowing; to never trying to know. But, today, only a few moments ago, for the very first time: my mother used the A-word. And we had it: the conversation.
And she knew.All this time, she knew.And did nothing.Perhaps some of you may read this and recall other things I've said about myself here. You may find it curious that, evidently, I've been more open about myself here, with you all, than to my own parents. Than with anyone else in my life.I don't mean to unload on y'all, and hope I haven't been doing that, but this is a small, generally kind community and I appreciate that y'all have made me feel welcome. I appreciate that far more than I can express. So we had a talk, my mother and I. And we said some things. Not everything, God no, but far more than I thought would ever be voiced. The safe things. Saf er. Safe at the level of that dreaded A-world, and only that. Again, I find myself lamenting that profanity filter: ASD's a real *****. (Well, to be completely honest, I actually kind of enjoy the self-censoring. Gotta take what small pleasures we can, where we can find, yeah?) The S-word also came up. Didn't think that would ever happen unless there were witnesses to a failed attempt, or a successful one. So another surprise. Didn't bother going into details, though: what would be the point? I had to carefully assure her that I don't harbor any animosity. About any of it. And I don't. Or if I do, it's tempered by and balanced out by love. But now I have one of those two answers, and I must now confront the resultant question: is it better to notice a child -- your child -- who is suffering, and do nothing, hoping things sort themselves out on their own... or to never notice in the first place? This is the question that terrifies me beyond measure. The single, core reason I will never have children of my own. Having lived my life, I could not live with myself doing either. Count me in the same boat as everyone else, I guess I just made my peace with it long ago as my parents were neglectful in more ways then just ignoring my mental health. They had to work evening/nights growing up and so I was basically left to run the house and raise my baby sister by myself by the time I was 13.
I guess in some ways I should be more upset than I am, but at the end of the day I genuinely think I'm a better person than either of my parents and am kind of glad I had to raise myself.
Then again, health care is such shit in the US that it's like the least thing they can be held responsible for. I didn't get diagnosed with PCOS until my 30s because my mom believed the doctors she first took me to when I started my periods and was bleeding heavy. She knew something was wrong but who was she to question the professionals?
And back in high school I had a teacher suggest I might have dyslexia, and said I could go get tested and I had to look the woman in the eye and tell her that there was no way my parents could get off work to drive me out of state and pay $300 out of pocket for me to take a test. She never brought it up again after that.
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Jul 18, 2024 0:02:09 GMT
About 14 months ago my work implemented a bonu$ strategy regarding sick leave. If you take no more than 3 days off in the Aussie financial year which is 1st July till 30th June the next year there will be a $500 bonus in your pay (minus the usual tax and Superannuation deposit. I took 1.5 days off at the very end of June 3 weeks ago from when I folded my foot & ankle in half (still wearing the moon boot for outside the house walks as it's pretty much 80-90% less swollen from when I did it. I am taking this little bonu$ moment that I completely forgot about existed as a positive.
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Post by tuigirl on Jul 18, 2024 11:47:06 GMT
Sorry, sarcastic rant to follow.
So the German right wing party has now vowed to forbid the rainbow flag, if they become strong enough to form a government at the next election (right now, they are second strongest party). There have been some controversies lately that the accursed rainbow flag, symbol of subversive evil, has been put out by reactionary elements on public buildings like regional governments and churches. Most prominent was at last weeks Christopher Street Day Parade in an Eastern German town (where the right-wingers reign)- the head of regional government wanted to forbid the parade (since it is massively damaging for society, just imagine if children see it!). Sadly, they were unsuccessful and the parade happened and was much larger than anticipated, since many people from all over Germany attended. Plus, the evil reactionary elements of the church dared to hang the accursed rainbow flags from the church towers. Imagine! On a public building, so all the children could see it! Shock! Horror! Anyways, the future is now save, since when the right-wingers come into office, they will do away with such nasty propaganda and forbid this flag of evil.
I am VERY intensely tempted to finally cave in and buy a rainbow flag. And I will hang it from my balcony on election day (I live in a very right-wing village). Because, in all honesty, I am sick and tired of this b*llsh*t. I also know that I will probably end up in some form of detention centre sooner or later for being an evil reactionary force.
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Post by bethhigdon on Jul 18, 2024 16:25:04 GMT
I am VERY intensely tempted to finally cave in and buy a rainbow flag. And I will hang it from my balcony on election day (I live in a very right-wing village). Because, in all honesty, I am sick and tired of this b*llsh*t. I also know that I will probably end up in some form of detention centre sooner or later for being an evil reactionary force. Do it!
You'll have a lovely rainbow flag to match your lovely rainbow coat!
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Post by tuigirl on Jul 18, 2024 20:24:50 GMT
Tickets for LA bought, Evan's is one way. They gave him a very good financial package, so it's a go. He needs to be there a few days earlier than classes begin for orientation, and I'll be back in time to get to Long Island on Friday. So it's a go for LI Who! I am really happy for you!
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Post by bethhigdon on Jul 18, 2024 22:29:58 GMT
Well I got some good news from the doctor today. My blood sugar is finally back down to where it's supposed to be after several years of struggling with it.
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Jul 19, 2024 10:25:18 GMT
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Jul 20, 2024 15:17:45 GMT
Seeing a couple pics online in the last couple hours of Tom B.. He is at a little convention somewhere in the U.K.
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Post by tuigirl on Jul 21, 2024 8:14:54 GMT
Been to the company summer party last night. I had avoided it for the past 2 years (despite free food and drink) since I just do not feel comfortable or welcome. Despite this I went yesterday, if only for the free food. Well, I found a few people I could hang out and chat with, but unsurprisingly, I was completely ignored and shunned by my supposed "team". One of them did not even say hello and ran past me several times. Yes, it was not as bad as expected since not everybody treats me that way, but I felt very hurt anyways. I just do not feel as if I am a very good fit there. Sigh. Maybe I am too sensitive, I wish I could ignore this crap and just power through.
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Post by timleschild on Jul 21, 2024 10:46:27 GMT
Seeing a couple pics online in the last couple hours of Tom B.. He is at a little convention somewhere in the U.K. The one at The Mermaid Inn, Rye.
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Post by aussiedoctorwhofan on Jul 22, 2024 1:01:23 GMT
Junior was a little bit quieter then normal last night. Today is day 1 of term 3 of school.. Promptly at 9am he .. at his school desk. So I am home now with him making sure he has lots of water and rest and kids panadol.
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Kestrel
Chancellery Guard
Likes: 2,715
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Post by Kestrel on Jul 22, 2024 3:51:57 GMT
Thank you so much for sharing. I know that conversation was extremely difficult to have with your parent, but I'm glad you had it anyways. I do think it's better to know than to live the rest of your life wondering about what might have been. I hope it's been a weight off your shoulders in that sense at the very least. I do sympathize a lot with your situation. My parents always knew I "wasn't like the other children" my entire life too and I'm not just talking about being trans. When I found out I might have ADHD, my parents were quick to say they'd always seen the signs. My mom said a slightly similar thing about my transness as well - "well you have always seemed uncomfortable with your body." Yeah, that stings a little hearing that. You go your entire life drowning and dealing with depression and dealing with thoughts about the big S-word and the entire time the two people who are supposed to take care of you didn't do anything about their suspicions? I do have to harbor my own patience with my parents though because they are also very far from perfect. They both grew up in times when words like "trans" or "ADHD" didn't really exist in the public eye the way they do today and if they did they were considered dirty slurs or a death sentence for a child's future education and career. So maybe they thought they were doing me a kindness by looking away and hoping it was all nothing. Maybe they just didn't think it was their place to ask. I have to wonder if I grew up the same way they had, would I do the same? Would I even have found out who I was in the first place? ADHD is also hereditary and sometimes I look at the way my parents do things and I have to wonder "are you...?" Maybe by me not speaking out to them, I'm doing the same thing they did to me. I'm not trying to say your parents were right or to say you should feel sorry for them or anything really. I guess I'm just trying to say your feelings here are totally and completely valid, you aren't alone, and I'm glad you felt safe enough here to share. Thank you for your kind words. I never know how to respond to things like this -- I think you'll find that I very often do not know how to respond to things -- so forgive me if I simply say that it means a lot to me to hear you say that. Or, erm, read you write that. Ulgh. Now that didn't look or sound even half-so-good. This language of ours really isn't well-suited for written correspondence, huh? I don't know how I feel about my parents' parenting. I doubt I ever will. I'm sure they had their own circumstances to deal with. Everyone does. But I can only really be so understanding now. As a child? I would've been too furious to survive. There was a time -- a long span of time, about five or six years -- when my days were so incredibly difficult, so incredibly stressful, that I had a meltdown every single night. In a way, I was fortunate enough to (usually) be able to contain my meltdown, to have them (mostly) in private -- but I sometimes wonder if I might've gotten the help I needed had things been otherwise. One thing I will say -- and I do hesitate to talk about the transgender experience, as that's well outside my wheelhouse, so I hope you'll forgive any clumsiness in the words I'm about to (perhaps unwisely) say -- is that the biggest factor in my still being here was the eventual realization I had that my issues were not unique, and that I was not alone. And that revelation did not come from other autistic people -- it came from transgender people, sharing stories of their own experiences, where I saw a lot of things that I recognized from my own life. Before then, the only real "guide" I had was a psychologist who effectively treated my like a unicorn: completely baffled by my symptoms, and apparently in awe. The closest I got to a diagnosis from him was "similar to autism." In retrospect, given that he made me waste two or three hours of my life on an IQ test, he apparently must've thought that all autistic people had to be blithering idiots. A not uncommon misapprehension, as I've later learned. Well, I guess I got a little sidetracked there, but the crux of what I wanted to say was that I think there's a lot of overlap between the "growing up autistic" and "growing up tans" experiences, even if the precise reasons for why certain things happen, and it was the willingness of certain trans voices on social media to discuss those experiences that really helped me to reconsider my own life, and to finally ascertain just what, specifically, was wrong with me. Turns out I wasn't a unicorn after all. ( By the way, just as an aside, IQ tests are long and involved and if you ever want to understand whether or not there's any merit to the idea that they're a good, or even adequate means to measure a person's intelligence... all you have to do is block out an afternoon to take one for yourself -- it was just about one of the most insipid experiences of my life. To the extent where every single time I see someone talking about "IQ" as if it's a concept with any actual meaning or utility... I feel an almost physical revulsion at how utterly misguided they are.) OMG, I feel so much for you. Seriously, I am in a similar situation. I read a lot, I never fit in with "normal" and most people I know better (aka. "friends") are also neurodivergent, so it is VERY evident that I am a textbook case of adult ADHD. I diagnosed myself, but I have so many issues and problems at work, I was desperately looking for a specialist, and I finally have an appointment with a specialist this November. Yeah, there is a lot of waiting. I hope I can get a diagnosis and finally treatment.
My parents... SIGH. The despair is real.
I suffered since I can remember. Long years of heartbreak and depression and still I am the oddball everybody avoids (or so it feels).
I wish my parents at least did "nothing". They did a lot- they repeated at nauseam how different and weird and abnormal I was, and that I would ever be alone and abandoned.
I needed to change and just be normal! (I tried, I tried so hard, but all I got was a nervous breakdown)
They still think I am a huge failure since I have never mated (I am also asexual) and have no partner and no kids and am just not something to present to the neigbours.
My relationship with them is.... complicated. But as you describe, I also do not feel hatred. Or animosity. I feel frustration and resignation, mainly.
Yes, there is the consolation that back in my day, when I was a kid, nobody ever heard of things like ADHD (so I never was diagnosed, apart from the one "specialist" who told my parents that I was mentally retarded, I have a Masters degree now and a PhD, thank you very much). Plus- depression is something that happens to weak antisocial people and anybody on the LGBTQA spectrum does not exist. The joys of coming from a rural village that has become stuck in the time vortex.
And I am also totally sure that even if I had had the chance and a partner, I would have made the world's worst parent (mood swings, bad attention, easily overwhelmed, and aggressive when suffering), so not having kids is a blessing and probably the right thing. Too old now, anyways.
So yes. I feel with you. I understand you. And I want to cry with you and hug you. Sending you lots of virtual hugs from Germany. For your kind words, as well: thank you. I can definitely empathize with being a "textbook case" -- and the eventual frustration that something that should've been fairly obvious, somehow... wasn't. At least with autism, there are generally accepted to be two different "types" of ways it can present, generally separated by gender. EG men with autism look like X, women with autism look like Y. Personally I don't think that's accurate, at all, and would instead say that the symptoms can present, rather, as either mostly outward-facing or mostly-inward facing, respectively. I would attribute the perceived gender dynamic, solely and simply, to social conditioning. Where and when I grew up, well... let's just say it was a context where terms like "autism" and "adhd" may have been known about, but maybe were not widely-known-about (or respected). So there was always room for doubt as to just how much awareness the adults around me would have or could have had. There's a particular moment in a particular Star Trek episode that was always very powerful to me: in DS9: Doctor Bashir, I presume, we get the revelation that Bashir was genetically enhanced in his early childhood, presumably to correct some kind of intellectual impairment, but crucially we also meet his parents and get to see what that particular situation looked like from both of their perspectives. And I empathize totally and completely with Bashir, recalling what it was like when he was "Jules," and knowing even as he was so young as to barely even be able to have a concept-of-self, that there was something wrong with him. That he was disappointing his parents, who expected something else of him -- but he had no idea what or why. I remember the same thing. Whenever people start talking about theoretical cures for autism, other neurodivergent conditions, or disabilities more generally, this is always the story that comes immediately to the forefront of my mind, and keeps me from participating in those conversations myself. Because I remember that childhood desperation, I remember perceiving that disappointment, and I remember spending so much time so futilely wishing, somehow, I could be "normal." I would've leapt on the opportunity to cure myself. To redeem myself. But, as a child, could I have consented to such a thing? And in the story, Bashir, himself, clearly feels very torn -- and resentful -- of being so "cured" without his consent. That, too, I can empathize with. So, well, if you ever harbored any doubts about either my capacity or my willingness to relate literally any subject of conversation to Star Trek, hopefully they are now fully dispelled. Lastly, I must simply say good luck with your diagnosis -- I am keenly aware of just how much that recognition can mean. But also, and this, too, I must stress: that recognition is not necessary, either. At the end of the day, the one who best-knows and best-understands your own mind is you, and the only diagnosis that ultimately matters is the one you give yourself -- and the one you're willing to accept. Count me in the same boat as everyone else, I guess I just made my peace with it long ago as my parents were neglectful in more ways then just ignoring my mental health. They had to work evening/nights growing up and so I was basically left to run the house and raise my baby sister by myself by the time I was 13. I guess in some ways I should be more upset than I am, but at the end of the day I genuinely think I'm a better person than either of my parents and am kind of glad I had to raise myself.
Then again, health care is such shit in the US that it's like the least thing they can be held responsible for. I didn't get diagnosed with PCOS until my 30s because my mom believed the doctors she first took me to when I started my periods and was bleeding heavy. She knew something was wrong but who was she to question the professionals?
And back in high school I had a teacher suggest I might have dyslexia, and said I could go get tested and I had to look the woman in the eye and tell her that there was no way my parents could get off work to drive me out of state and pay $300 out of pocket for me to take a test. She never brought it up again after that.
I think that, after a certain point, it can be hard for us to get upset about certain things -- because there's so much cause to be upset, but so little purpose in actually doing so. And, yeah, that's a good point about healthcare, here: it is a nightmare. I wont' go into any specifics on my own, at least beyond what little I've already shared, but suffice it to say I don't have a whole lot of respect for most medical practioners, and none at all for the entire fields of psychology and psychiatry. Often, I think, the cause for these issues is ultimately the same thing: viewing patients not as people, but customers. Objects not to be helped, but to be marketed to. It makes me skin crawl.
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Kestrel
Chancellery Guard
Likes: 2,715
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Post by Kestrel on Jul 22, 2024 4:03:41 GMT
Okay, new post, new topic, same thread. Something good to make my day today! Something good to make the day of all my fellow citizens, even if they don't know it or don't want to know it! Apologies to Ela for possibly reengaging with a verboten topic, but I just have to (briefly, promise) share my delight at today's news that Kamala Harris will be the democratic party's candidate for president in the 2024 election! I'm not one for idolatry, or cults-of-personality, so politics, in general, is not something I tend to get into, as most of the discussions tend to boil down to just that. What I care about above all else is a candidate's history -- what legislation they've supported and (when applicable) what they've voted for. I was very excited in the 2020 primary. We had an incredibly diverse field of candidates, including several who were very progressive (though only one of them actually got any credit for that, and not entirely deservedly, owing to how these narratives are constructed and perpetuate). Personally, I was most excited for Kamala Harris and Julian Castro -- two candidates with the most consistently strong progressive records in congress. I was very excited at the idea either one of them had a chance at the nomination, and was crushed when they ultimately chose to drop out. That said, while I was never particularly enthusiastic about Joe Biden, and have plenty of objections to some of his recent actions (and inactions), I will say that despite my many misgivings he did manage to be a far more progressive president than I, or anyone else, expected. And I am personally impressed that he was willing and able to set aside his own ego, ultimately, and refuse to seek a second term in office. There are very few politicians who would go so far; who wouldn't rather see the world burn down around them instead. I am not an optimist by nature, nor do I harbor some secret faith in my fellow Americans in the depths of my heart, so I won't speculate on what the future may bring. But, as someone who's spent their whole live living in red states, who's never actually felt like they've had any influence on the course of my country's politics, it's nice to see things like this. Castro's and Harris' primaries were the first political campaigns I ever contributed money to (pity my poor inbox for all the spam that's resulted) and I've still got both of their old campaign buttons. Glad I'll get the chance to wear one of 'em again -- and, who knows, if this nation doesn't completely collapse before then, maybe Julian will get an opportunity to vie for the big desk someday, too.
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